If you need to spray paint what your heart is feeling, perhaps you should consider a different form of self expression. May I suggest that as the feelings surrounding your fears of inadequacy and self-loathing come from learned behavior as you have been growing up? Our society is very confusing about how we all fit within it. Rather than deface public or private buildings with your personal cries of self-revelation and self loathing, I would urge you to turn from art therapy towards a personal therapy with a licensed counselor.
Years of hiding who you are inside clearly have jumped out beyond your ability to maintain decorum. Tagging a Church is a clear sign of a jealousy to belong. I appreciate that you likely do not have a loving family which you fear will reject you as you continue this perilous battle between self-loathing and your desire to connect more intimately with those you outwardly and passionately resent. Do not harbor such resentment simply because you are cowardly and secretive while they are brave and willing to face life head on.
Clearly you have a stunted emotional inner self. It’s like when we all were in 3rd grade and someone hits you to express that they like you. It really is childish. I would encourage you to consider a different way of announcing to your friends, the community, and especially the police that you want to be identified with the gay community. Lot’s of gays express themselves through how they dress, how they kiss, and how they entertain others. Not to mention, they likely have ripped abs, can cook better than you, oh, and treat women waaaaay better than you might.
Rather than demonstrate how much loathing you have yourself, I would suggest you consider reaching out to a counselor and working through your not so well hidden concerns about your masculinity, your fears of loving men, and learn to embrace your fears. That way, it will be easier for others to love you, and easier for you to love yourself.
Take care of yourself. Just remember, what you do in the dark usually comes to light when you least expect it. Tagging a building with derogatory (do you know what that word means?) words might cost the MCC Church congregants some money. Yet, I am glad you were able to finally and not so bravely spray paint the fears about yourself into the public domain. I know they have already forgiven you. And, that might frustrate you all the more.
I hope you are feeling better today and will take the necessary steps to grow bravely as you explore this new facet of your being.
Best Wishes as you explore your conflicted emotional feelings toward members of the same sex. It can be hard work. Thank you for taking that next step in self-expression.